The “awkward silence” opening to The Bachelor could not be more fitting. In fact, I feel awkward every time this show ends on a “to be continued.”
We last left Nick as he was “deciding” whether or not he could go on with the show. Spoiler alert: he does. Nick has a long “casual conversation” with “island” Chris Harrison. Chris was apparently just “strolling along the beach,” in his casual rolled up pants, holding — not wearing — his sunglasses. Thank God he picked that point in time for a beach stroll, because Nick really needed some counsel. What a tough decision it must be to walk away from vacation after vacation, while dating 5 girls at once. Also, he’s pretty much guaranteed to do 3 of them (if he so chooses). So yeah, I wonder what he’ll choose.
Surprise! Through his copious amounts of tears, Nick chooses to stay, and he and his ladies are headed to Bimini. That’s right, following the path of Hurricane Matthew, the group is moving from The Caribbean to The Bahamas. Trading the white sandy beaches of St. Thomas, for the slightly less white sandy beaches of Bimini. Honestly, instead of saying “we’re headed to Bimini!” they could’ve just said, “we’re moving you guys three blocks down the road!!” and it would’ve been the same thing.
Once in Bimini, Vanessa got the first group date rose and Corinne was NONE TO HAPPY! She started to say that Vanessa doesn’t have much depth, and that she’s just a family oriented Italian girl, who teaches STUPID special education. C’mon Vanessa! Where’s your depth? Like seriously, she doesn’t even have a freaking nanny!
Nick took Vanessa on a yacht to go snorkeling near a rusted shipwreck, wrought with graffiti. Hopefully they’re both up to date on their tetanus shots, as I’m sure Bimini has some organ harvesters employed at their hospitals. Before Nick and Vanessa got to their rusty adventure, Nick went on a weird diatribe that sounded like an episode of Friends. Nick said something along the lines, “I just don’t know. I know that you know that I know that I’m doing okay, but I don’t know if you know that I know, you know I know. Ya know?” Vanessa just nodded her head, seemingly hoping that he wouldn’t start crying again.
The group date featured Corinne, Raven and Kristina. Nick took them swimming with sharks, and Corinne was not happy with the attention Kristina was getting. There was nothing crazy that happened with this date, other than Kristina freaking out and getting out of the water. I would have totally been in Kristina’s boat (pun intended!). If you want to swim with sharks, do it with an American crew that has a vested interest in your safety. Not in Bimini where the crew hears, “can you take them swimming with sharks?” and goes, “Safely? Probably not. But we have a boat.” In any case, dark-horse Raven got the rose, while Nick cried again.
Danielle was next on the group date rose, and it did not go well. After having little-to-no conversation, and then going to dinner, Danielle said that she was finally ready to find love after the death of her husband. To which Nick replied, “NOT WITH ME!” and sent Danielle home. Not only did the date end right there, but Danielle had to go home and pack up all her shit while the other girls sat there. I get the whole, “I need to say goodbye tonight in order to be fair to Danielle.” But if I were in her shoes, I would rather just get through the date, and not be given a rose during the ceremony. It’s a little less humiliating than professing your love, consequently being rejected, having to go home and pack your things, while the girls watch you like a zoo animal.
Post-Danielle, Corinne decided to try to sex Nick up with her “platinum vagin.” This lead to a little game of “Two-Hand Massage, No Jiggle,” which I can only assume involves a pair of dice, and a backgammon board. Nick shut Corinne’s advances down, to which she was mortified and rightfully so.
The final one-on-one was with Rachel, who is the new Bachelorette, and boy do I have thoughts on this: For starters, who the f in the American Broadcasting Company thought it would be a good idea to announce Rachel before she was voted off the show? It was like Kristin Wiig’s “Surprise” character from SNL, but instead of a surprise party, it’s “Ohhh myyy godddd….WE HAVE A BLACK BACHELORETTE!!!!” While it is truly wonderful that The Bachelor finally decided to play in the diversity sandbox, let’s not forget it took them 21 seasons to do so — with the only other “diverse” bachelor, being a misogynistic Venezuelan, who just wanted some crazy Claire booty. Additionally, by announcing Rachel before she’s voted off, they’ve inadvertently created a space where current audience members won’t care about her, because they know that she doesn’t win. So there is no longer anyone “rooting for her,” during the duration of this season. There’s just something that seems so inherently wrong with the way ABC went about doing this, like they couldn’t wait to be able to say, “we’re not racist anymore!” — That is my long winded way of saying the one-on-one went well enough to give Rachel a spot on The Bachelorette.
Finally, Nick decided to send Kristina home, and that sucked. Kristina was definitely becoming a fan favorite, and it’s a bummer to see her go. Nick again started by saying he had to let her go because he respected her too much. There’s always an interesting thing during a breakup conversation: it starts with the person doing the breakup saying something like “I respect you too much,” and some sort of beat around the bush way of saying “I feel love toward you.” This gives Nick — in this situation –the moral high ground. Then Kristina fires back with, “you didn’t give this a chance,” and another comment that is sort of an ad hominem attack. The person doing the breakup then has a reaction that looks like this, and suddenly that “respect” and “loving feelings” are replaced with “get the hell out.” Kristina left, Nick cried again. and we’re headed to hometowns.
It seems like anytime any woman tells Nick that she’s falling for him, his face immediately does this, and he sends her home.
I loved that Kristina and Corinne got literally all the air time on the group date and it was Raven, who didn’t complain nor say a word about the two, who went home with the rose.
100% can’t wait to meet Corinne’s father next week. I firmly expect him to be wearing a tight gold chain, and say the words, “man-to-man,” at least three times.
This was told to me during the show, but apparently Vanessa has an IMDB page? Corinne was either really right, and Vanessa doesn’t even work in special education, or Corinne was super wrong, as Vanessa’s depth as an actress knows no bounds! Either way, kind of weird.