The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 4 recap

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Source: ABC

Annnnd this is why you don’t do “to be continued”s. Episode 4 of The Bachelor jumps right in with the bouncy house mayhem, or as I like to call it, “bouncy-gate.” Never in my life have I heard so many adults use the word “bouncy house” in such dramatic fashion.

Meanwhile, Corinne was getting berated by two of the girls about her napping. Corinne then had a confessional and stated, “I’m not privileged in any way shape or form.” Oh.My.God. 1 -I think anyone who was just casually scrolling through channels and happened upon a young blonde girl on T.V. would know that’s bullshit. 2 – I legitimately don’t know if Corinne knows what the word “privilege” means, as she told everyone about her nanny who literally does everything for her (whatup Raquel!?). In any case, this is the base layer for the Corinne drama that will follow.

The rose ceremony followed bouncy-gate. I was a little surprised Christen didn’t get a rose, especially because she had previously received a rose, but that is just the way the cookie crumbles.

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Nick’s mom definitely introduced him to leather jackets. Source: ABC

The next morning, in comes Chris Harrison. I swear, Chris seems like he spends at least 10 minutes in a room alone, psyching himself up in front of a mirror. I picture him saying, “Alright Chris, you’ve got this. You’ve been doing this for 14 years, you can sell them on Milwaukee, you handsome son of a bitch.” In any case, the girls are headed to Milwaukee, which, thanks to Chris Soules, is not the worst place ABC has picked for a destination.

Once Nick and his girls made it to Wisconsin, Nick met up with his parents. Let me just say, Nick is definitely getting fashion tips from his mother. Nick told his parents that “this time,” he feels really good about his chances. Yes, Nick, it probably is just a little better to be in the drivers seat, rather than the unlikable second fiddle. Nick’s dad then articulated what everyone in America was thinking, saying, “That’s good, because we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Boom.

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Shitty Cookie; Source:ABC

 

 

Danielle L. got the first one-on-one in Nick’s hometown. They decorated cookies, and then went to a park. Nothing says a Midwest date, like a picnic in a foggy park on a gray day, with moderate-to-low visibility and the possibility of rain. Nick and Danielle swapped stories of “first times” and Nick said he one time made a girl “locker shelves.” I can’t be the only one who thought, “Nick made her lock hershelf in what?!” (Badum bum…tsh!)

After the date in foggy park, The Bachelor followed an age-old tradition of ending the date with the couple attending a concert of a no-named singer, of whom the contestants are “the biggest fans.” I wish someone would be as enthusiastic if I produced something of such shitty quality.

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Boy do these girls look like they want to be here. Source: ABC

The group date saw the girls go out to a farm and I disliked it for a few reasons. 1. I enjoy farms, I really do; I like farm animals and you can’t beat fresh butter (I apologize to my body), but thank you ABC, oh thank you, for playing into the stereotype of Midwesterners being all “cows and corn.” 2. Farm field trips are typically reserved for children in school, in order to expose them to new ideas and experiences of which they have no preconceived notions. Taking a bunch of uppity 20-somethings to a farm has a different effect. At the end of the day, if you want to give someone the novelty experience of milking a cow, then take them to the fair. Don’t take them to someone’s place of employment and have them shit all over it, Corinne.

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Source: ABC

Not only was Corinne above the manual labor of a farmer, but apparently nanny Raquel is above “farm chores” too. Corinne ducking out of the manure shoveling led to the most poop analogies that have ever been uttered (I went there) on the show. Such one-liners included, “there’s shit on the floor but even more shit coming out of her mouth,” and “I don’t know which bullshit smells worse,” and “I want to shit in Corinne’s mouth!” (I may have made the last one up).

The claws came out after the farm date and they were all pointed at Corinne. While Corinne may have mob ties through her father, we definitely saw another side of Russian Kristina, who’s KGB ties are definitely more dangerous than Corinne’s. I think after a few drinks her Ruskie really started coming out because she began to sound like a classic James Bond villain. Her Black Widow persona paid off though in the form of a group date rose.

Raven had the final one-on-one, and the southern bell was ready to get spoiled. That’s right, she was treated to an elementary school soccer game and a trip to the equivalent of a family fun center. Afterward, they had dinner in an art museum which, weirdly, was void of art. We got a glimpse into Raven’s darker side, when she recounted the tail of how she wrecked her ex-boyfriend for cheating on her, and holy shit, Raven is terrifying. I get hitting a boyfriend who has cheated on you, but she kicked in a door! If no one has done that, it is a lot more difficult than it looks. Then, according to her, she not only threw the girl on the ground but, her boyfriend as well. I’m slightly convinced there is more to that story and their bodies are buried on Razorback territory.

Back at the house, things started heating up between Taylor and Corinne. Now look, I am no Corinne fan, but I don’t know how Taylor suddenly jumped up on her high horse. Corinne gets a lot of flack for being too young to date a 36 year old, well guess who else is also 23…coughTaylorcough. Taylor’s main point was that Corinne wasn’t emotionally intelligent and then spouted off something she probably read in a text book during her graduate program. Corinne fired back proving Taylor’s point. This heated debate went back and forth until, low and behold, we got another “to be continued.” Fuck you, ABC. Fuck.You.

Quick Slants

I legitimately felt bad for Brittany. She came on the show, was given the task of being Nick’s “eve,” by going topless for a photo shoot, and was promptly sent home. Typically getting naked on this show buys you at least a trip out of California, albeit in this case, Milwaukee.

I love that Corinne said, “Michael Jordan took naps,” in order to justify her sleeping. Yes, Michael Jordan took naps. He also dropped 38 on the Jazz with a 101 degree fever. I think the comparison between Corinne and MJ needs to stop at sleeping patterns.

Did anyone catch that apparently rose ceremonies last 20 minutes?  Imagine standing for 20 minutes while someone reads a list of 15 names.

Alexis once again stole the credits scene, and I wish she got more air time. She’s a bonafide weirdo, but in the best way possible. And I very much appreciate her fear of both aliens and ghosts. I can only hope she gets a one-on-one soon.

 

The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 3 recap

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Source: ABC

And we’re back! Episode three of this glorious show starts right where episode two left off…kind of. Remember how Liz left and there was still some of the group date left? Well apparently ABC didn’t, because Christen getting the group date rose was glossed over. In any case, we jump right into Nick addressing ALL the girls about sending Liz home, because…stop me if you’ve heard this…they had sex. At this point it feels like Nick is bragging about he and Liz “dunking the dingus.” It’s like he thinks all of these girls read Andi’s book and have preconceived notions that he can’t get laid, all the while he’s saying, “See ladies! That book didn’t completely ruin my reputation! I can do that myself with Corinne!”

The girls took this new information like a sexual atom bomb, and totally freaked out. I don’t understand how it’s shocking for the girls to hear that Nick has banged one out before, especially considering most of them literally watched him do it on two consecutive seasons of The Bachelorette.

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Source: ABC

In any case, during the cocktail party Corinne took a different approach toward Nick’s sexual history: The One Upper. If Nick has had “intercourse” — as Corinne put it — before, then damnit she was gonna give him something better. Reddi-whip. Low and behold, Nick fell for this sexual sham, and went to town on that whipped cream. The other girls, seeing this, were obviously not happy, thinking, “This guy has had previous sexual encounters AND he likes whipped cream? Somebody call the sex police!”

After Nick realized that maybe the other girls were none-to-happy about Corinne’s whipped-dairy antics, he promptly pivoted and talked to Jasmine. This caused Corinne, who was totally sober, to overreact. Without any context, you would’ve thought that she told him her deepest secret (maybe about a certain nanny) and he didn’t take it well. I don’t know what could have improved the situational outcome in her eyes. I can only imagine that Corinne wanted to “intercourse” Nick right there and end the show a few weeks early.

After the rose ceremony, where three forgettable girls went home, we finally got to the first group date, which involved The Backstreet Boys. At first I thought that Joelle and Ben Higgins must have done wonders for the show in terms of upping the budget, as we haven’t had a date end with a no-named band trying to be passed off as blossoming pop-stars yet (emphasis on “yet,” because I know it’s going to happen). But then I quickly realized that this is not the 1990’s Backstreet Boys. This is the 2017 version of the boy band. You know, where they’re in their 40’s and have a declining libido, but still singing about “rocking bodies.”

Low and behold we have another story-line involving Corinne, as she apparently is a poor dancer due to her “bad short term memory.” It bodes well for her family’s multi-million dollar business — that she apparently helps operate — that she has such a bad memory that she can’t remember simple choreography. Sometimes I wonder how this show will ever be able to one-up itself and consistently find girls who are so narcissistic and dimwitted. Well done ABC, you have a formula, and it works.

Danielle L won the one-on-one dance to “I Want it That Way” which is either a great song to slow dance to, or possibly the worst. As much as I love that song, I could not begin to tell you what it’s about, as it was written by a Swedish lyricist who barely spoke English.Who knew?

Once again, Corinne was the focal point of the post date cocktail party. She finally divulged that Raquel is, in fact, her nanny. Not only does Raquel shelter Corinne from all the horrible things in life, like slicing up her cucumber snacks, laundry, and getting the right proportions of lemon to butter, but she apparently enjoys doing it! That’s right, Corinne, who apparently manages her own “multi-million dollar business,” doesn’t understand that Raquel is paid on an hourly basis. She literally thinks that Raquel fell out of the sky (or immigrated from Mexico) and enjoys waiting on her hand and foot. Once again, well done ABC for finding the specimen that is Corinne.

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Source: ABC

Vanessa was up next for her one-on-one date on a plane that simulates weightlessness.  Nothing says romance, like two people who have no control over their bodies bouncing around a plane. Oh, and vomit. Let’s not forget that poor Vanessa either began dry-heaving and/or vomiting during the ride. Way to go ABC for adding the same vomit sound effect twice. I totally wouldn’t have understood what was going on had it not been for that post-production additive.

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Source: ABC

The next group date was a track and field competition. Nothing of note happened, except for Dominique getting a ton of air time. Really though, did anyone know who “Dom” was? Because I sure didn’t. It seemed like manufactured drama, after someone realized that track and field was a shitty date.

Following the group date, the girls were treated to a POOL PARTY! Alexis said it best – there are a lot of hornballs in this group, and where there are hornballs, there is bound to be some sexual conflict. Low and behold, Corinne is the culprit of sexual drama. I don’t know how she did it — maybe Raquel had a hand in it — but Corinne somehow got a bouncy castle to the house. Apparently Vanessa did not like what was occurring in the elementary school plaything, because the claws came out. She decided to approach Nick about his Corinne boner. It would appear Vanessa has trouble seeing the rest of us, as she rode in on the highest horse available in order to berate Nick. I’ve always held the belief that in a game where there are 20 other “replacements,” you probably should not be the one who gets mad at the person who can make you leave any time they want. Maybe this ploy works out for Vanessa, but we.shall.see. Why? Because low and behold ABC loves “to be continued.”

Quick Slants

I really enjoyed Nick talking to Russian Kristina about Liz. He said something along the lines of “her(Liz) answers didn’t really make a lot of sense to me,” and the look on Kristina’s face seemed to indicate that she was thinking, “If Liz can’t make sense, I wonder if he can even understand me??”

I’ve said this year after year, but I swear Chris Harrison doesn’t know how to wear casual clothing. He looks so uncomfortably stiff anytime he has to wear jeans and tennis shoes. Almost like he’s getting his wardrobe, and has to ask the question, “And you’re sure this is what the young go-hards are wearing?”

Alexis continues to be the most down-to-earth girl. Who would have thought that the girl dressed as a shark, would be the most level-headed, funny contestant.

Vanessa saying that she appreciated Nick staying by her side during her vomit episode seemed to indicate she thought he could go somewhere else?

 

The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 2 recap

The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 2 recap

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Source: ABC

Well night two of The Bachelor certainly got interesting, or dare I say, “titillating.” Yes, Nick was at it again with his slurred speech and  ladies-a-plenty, and this time with actual dates!

The show picks up right where we left off. The girls, having spent an average of 20 minutes per capita with Nick, naturally are already “falling in love.” I put that in quotations, because quite honestly if they’re falling in love, then they have some severe emotional issues that need to be worked out in some therapy and shock treatment. Corinne — oh sweet, sweet Corinne — is about to be my shining example in the department of stupid, slutty, and arrogant all rolled into a cucumber snacking, mobster’s daughter. I’m guessing her father doesn’t let her make any of the big decisions in the family business, as she has displayed a lack of intelligence that makes the Iraq War look well-planned.

The first group date card arrived and suggested the date would revolve around a bridesmaid, which Corinne, as if on cue, stated, “I’ve never been a bridesmaid…” Noooo? I would never have pegged her for having no friends. Now go get Corinne her cucumber snack, Raquel! She’s been waiting 7 minutes!

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Source: ABC

The girls all took off in what was a horrible product placement, that I can only guess was for Chrysler Sebring? Because what other car do you want to be riding in when your dreams go to die?

After the girls arrived we were quickly introduced to the best person The Bachelor has ever put on television: The photographer. I have no idea what this guy’s name is, but his brief stint on television was entirely too short. For a split second I thought that maybe this was a character from the mind of Sacha Baron Cohen, but then I realized that he was actually a real-life human. Basically, he should be required to be in every television show in some capacity for the rest of my natural life.

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Source: ABC

The girls dressed up like different brides, which included Brittany (who?) dressing up like Eve from the garden of Eden, and upstaging Corinne. And you know the only recourse Corinne has when she’s a topless woman is to get “more” topless.

Look, Corinne taking her top off and making Nick play with her funbags was not the classiest of moves, but it worked. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 69 times: The Bachelor is not a place to find love, it is a place where America has deemed it socially acceptable for a man to get physical with 30 girls at one time. Literally think of any other place where today’s society people would not lambaste this guy for being a jackass and the women for putting up with it. If you want to find love, go to a Whole Foods in the Midwest on a Saturday morning, if you want to get some ass, sign up for The Bachelor.

In any case, Corinne got hers, and continued to get hers until she was she was so drunk, that she made Joe Namath look like an airline pilot. Corinne also coined a new Bachelor phrase: “Re-interrupted.” As in, “That skank just re-interrupted me! Can you believe what a skanky McSkank pants she is!” I guess I’d like to know what Corinne thought would happen if she continued to “steal Nick.”

Danielle M got the one-on-one date where Nick took her on a helicopter ride around California, and then topped it off by landing on a hot-tub yacht, and we wonder why these girls get delusions of grandeur. I don’t particularly want to touch on Danielle M too much, as she seems like a sweet girl, who, unlike most on the show, actually had a major tragedy occur in her life. I will say that I thought it was somewhat amusing that she thought Nick’s past mirrored hers enough to open up about it. Personally, I think Nick coming in second on a dating game show and then consequently becoming the centerpiece of said show, is a little less tragic than having a fiance overdose.

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Source: ABC

Finally let’s talk about the dead horse that was being beaten with another dead horse, tied around the neck of a horse about to die: Liz had sex with Nick. Holy plot line, Batman. I don’t get who edited this. Every commercial break seemed to resume with some iteration of Liz saying, “So I had sex with Nick.” One time would have been perfectly fine, but having 75% of an episode revolving around an interaction that happened 9 months ago was draining. Liz did offer one of the most cringe-worthy moments on the show: when she brought up the whole event in front of the other girls during a fictional breakup. 1. We touched on this last week, but I don’t think Liz really thinks things through. What did she think was going to happen when she turned a light-hearted event into some weird scene from a Shonda Rhimes drama? “Nick is really going to appreciate the way I tactfully approached this awkward situation.” And 2. How daft do the rest of the girls have to be to think, “Wow, Liz really added some context to her fictional breakup”? Obviously Liz went home, because c’mon, what else would’ve happened? This led to Nick telling all the girls that he and Liz “had sex” previously before the show. Not “hooked up,” Nick refused to use any sort of euphemism and just went straight for the throat punch.

This left us with one of my least favorite things The Bachelor has been doing in recent years: the dreaded “To be continued…” Honestly, just end the show with the rose ceremony. The “to be continued” episodes feel like some contrived way to squeeze more out of an episode than is really necessary. But alas, we have to wait until next week. My bold prediction: everything works itself out and the show doesn’t end 8 weeks earlier than scheduled.

Quick slants:

  • Unless Raven meant Bret Bielema’s stomach(I will use this image whenever I talk about Raven), I don’t know what she meant by saying she left “a lot” at home to come on the show for Nick. We all know she comes from a town of 6.
  • Corinne somehow related that being Nick’s “number one,” is apparently is better than “going number 2.” And I totally agree. Most things in life are better than the thought of her taking a shit.
  • Speaking of Corinne, how about the drunken speech she gave at the end of the date? It was like if Braveheart had a drunk, uninspiring cousin.
  • I suppose being a 23 year old counselor doesn’t provide you with the ability to converse naturally, does it Taylor? I can’t believe I picked you.
  • Does Christen look like Vanessa Bayer’s Miley Cyrus impression to anyone else?
  • Alexis is making a push for favorite girl on the show. Albeit she’s a little crazy, she routinely is the funniest girl on the show, and the “boobsday” credits scene, solidified her place.
The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 1 Recap

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See ya later 2016, ya smug son of a bitch. We get to kick 2017 off right, with a new season of The Bachelor: Where the girls are made up, and personality doesn’t matter. After failing 3 times on the show, ABC saw fit to give Nick Viall a fourth shot, because as the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four times, and we’ll get better ratings.” So without further ado, let’s break open that $8 bottle of wine and get to recapping the premiere.

chris-harrisonWelcome to the show Nick V! This time you’re in charge. If Chris Soule’s can convince a woman to come with him in “Wait, I Have to Live Here, Iowa,” then you should be able to cry your way into a woman’s heart. Once again, we start the show with scenes of the bachelor shirtless and working out. Annnnd then we get the quintessential shower scene. I would love to be a fly on the wall during an ABC conceptual meeting, where an intern suggests something other than working out and showering, and seeing an exec start yelling, “WE HAVE A FORMULA, JERRY! USE IT!”

Nick then spends some time with his family, and says something along the lines of his family being excited for him to be the next Bachelor. Really? Your family is excited to go through this again? I feel like they must have asked the producers a question like “So a girl has to pick him right?” and ABC responded, “Well…no they don’t ‘have to’ but these girls are so desperate that there’s pretty much no way he ends up alone…unless you look at our track record of having like 2 out of 21 people ending up together…” In any case, Nick’s family is “stoked” to see him on the show, just like I’m stoked to go through a Midwestern winter.

I also love that ABC juxtaposed Nick next to Sean, Ben and Chris — arguably three of the most likable Bachelors. It was like a little insurance policy where ABC was letting everyone know, “Look we know this guy has been a douche in the past, but remember these three guys? They were okay right?”

A few of girls were introduced next. We met Rachel, Danielle L, and Vanessa, who is already a fan favorite. I am calling my shot right now, Vanessa is going to be one of those people who is too smart for her own good. Look, if you want to show off by speaking French, then fine, but don’t make a habit of using the most pretentious language on the face of the earth. Also, how are you 100% Italian if you’re literally from Canada? Qui pensez vous etre, Vanessa?

Then we met Raven, and I can’t express how excited I am for a born inbred — whoops, I mean and bred Arkansas Razorback to be on the show. I don’t think Nick knows what he’s in for when Raven’s true WooOO Pig Sooie colors come out. Razorback nation isn’t a fandom, it’s a Gawd dayum lahfstyle. For God’s sakes, this is their football coach.

melon-snackCorinne was next on the docket, and I’m pretty sure she’s in the mafia. She can say she “contributes” to her family business all she wants, but after seeing her dad, I’m pretty sure he’s an expert in business shake downs. Also Corrine had the gem of a soundbite, demanding that her maid bring “her snack with cucumber…” How adorable.

Alexis seemed normal enough at first, until we really saw how deep and misguided her affection of dolphins went. The nice thing about dressing up in a shark costume (that you vehemently argue is a dolphin, regardless of it having gills), is that no one can really tell how drunk you are. I don’t know what Nick should be more concerned about, the fact that she loves dolphins yet can’t tell the difference between a dolphin and shark, or the fact that it was even an argument among the rest of the girls.

sharkdolphinAs all of Nick’s ladies arrived, we started to see the cracks of what happens to every bachelor on the show: Mr. Hornball. Mr. Hornball is a condition I refer to that is caused by being constantly surrounded by 30 girls who are all obsessing over you. The symptoms are a bizarre, sexual awakening that causes you to say things like, “That dress, my God, that dress, I should have sex with the person who made you wear that dress.” If you really want to get a rose the first night, then yeah, I’d probably do exactly what mobster Corinne did, and tongue-F the shit out of the bachelor’s face hole.

Liz probably offered up the most drama for the night, having “known” Nick previously, AKA they had sex. This “power play” move was incredibly confusing. Follow this logic –> Liz has sex with Nick –> Liz doesn’t give Nick her phone number –> Liz shows up on The Bachelor with the thought that Nick wouldn’t remember her –> Liz is surprised when Nick does remember her. So Liz thought the sex was so non-momentous that Nick wouldn’t have the faintest idea who she was. And even if Nick didn’t remember her, how was she planning on breaking that news? “Surprise! We did it once!” I can only imagine that while other girls are sharing sob stories about a former bf who cheated on them, or their friend getting hit with a shovel, or some variation of the two, Liz is over here like, “I have something that I need to tell you…we’ve actually had sex.” Even if Nick didn’t respond negatively, can you imagine meeting his family? “Funny story Bella, your brother was actually a bedmate of mine, and I just figured he wouldn’t remember me, so nine months later, I broke the news to him that, much to his surprise, we were previous sex pals! How cute is that!?”

Quick Slants:

  • Speaking of Nick’s little sister, Bella should just follow him around, as she seems to generally be his voice of reason: “Be yourself, Nick. Just without the douchey parts.”
  • How cringe-worthy is it to have three former Bachelors, all sitting around trying to stay relevant by jamming on liners down your throat. They may as well have just held up a sign saying, “please put me on TV again.”
  • Taylor has quite the mouth on her, and by far had the best line of the night, by declaring that “my heart is in my ass,” I have no idea what that means, but it sounds thrilling.
  • Kristina is a total mystery to me, her hometown is Lexington, Kentucky, and while there are many counties in Kentucky that offer mysterious accents, I don’t think her Spanish/Eastern European hybrid is one of them.
  • Hey hey hey, ABC had to be popping champagne bottles as Rachel got the first impressions rose. For a show that is often criticized for being too white, too misogynistic, and again for good measure, too white, what a marginal step forward.