Annnnd this is why you don’t do “to be continued”s. Episode 4 of The Bachelor jumps right in with the bouncy house mayhem, or as I like to call it, “bouncy-gate.” Never in my life have I heard so many adults use the word “bouncy house” in such dramatic fashion.
Meanwhile, Corinne was getting berated by two of the girls about her napping. Corinne then had a confessional and stated, “I’m not privileged in any way shape or form.” Oh.My.God. 1 -I think anyone who was just casually scrolling through channels and happened upon a young blonde girl on T.V. would know that’s bullshit. 2 – I legitimately don’t know if Corinne knows what the word “privilege” means, as she told everyone about her nanny who literally does everything for her (whatup Raquel!?). In any case, this is the base layer for the Corinne drama that will follow.
The rose ceremony followed bouncy-gate. I was a little surprised Christen didn’t get a rose, especially because she had previously received a rose, but that is just the way the cookie crumbles.
The next morning, in comes Chris Harrison. I swear, Chris seems like he spends at least 10 minutes in a room alone, psyching himself up in front of a mirror. I picture him saying, “Alright Chris, you’ve got this. You’ve been doing this for 14 years, you can sell them on Milwaukee, you handsome son of a bitch.” In any case, the girls are headed to Milwaukee, which, thanks to Chris Soules, is not the worst place ABC has picked for a destination.
Once Nick and his girls made it to Wisconsin, Nick met up with his parents. Let me just say, Nick is definitely getting fashion tips from his mother. Nick told his parents that “this time,” he feels really good about his chances. Yes, Nick, it probably is just a little better to be in the drivers seat, rather than the unlikable second fiddle. Nick’s dad then articulated what everyone in America was thinking, saying, “That’s good, because we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Boom.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one in Nick’s hometown. They decorated cookies, and then went to a park. Nothing says a Midwest date, like a picnic in a foggy park on a gray day, with moderate-to-low visibility and the possibility of rain. Nick and Danielle swapped stories of “first times” and Nick said he one time made a girl “locker shelves.” I can’t be the only one who thought, “Nick made her lock hershelf in what?!” (Badum bum…tsh!)
After the date in foggy park, The Bachelor followed an age-old tradition of ending the date with the couple attending a concert of a no-named singer, of whom the contestants are “the biggest fans.” I wish someone would be as enthusiastic if I produced something of such shitty quality.
The group date saw the girls go out to a farm and I disliked it for a few reasons. 1. I enjoy farms, I really do; I like farm animals and you can’t beat fresh butter (I apologize to my body), but thank you ABC, oh thank you, for playing into the stereotype of Midwesterners being all “cows and corn.” 2. Farm field trips are typically reserved for children in school, in order to expose them to new ideas and experiences of which they have no preconceived notions. Taking a bunch of uppity 20-somethings to a farm has a different effect. At the end of the day, if you want to give someone the novelty experience of milking a cow, then take them to the fair. Don’t take them to someone’s place of employment and have them shit all over it, Corinne.
Not only was Corinne above the manual labor of a farmer, but apparently nanny Raquel is above “farm chores” too. Corinne ducking out of the manure shoveling led to the most poop analogies that have ever been uttered (I went there) on the show. Such one-liners included, “there’s shit on the floor but even more shit coming out of her mouth,” and “I don’t know which bullshit smells worse,” and “I want to shit in Corinne’s mouth!” (I may have made the last one up).
The claws came out after the farm date and they were all pointed at Corinne. While Corinne may have mob ties through her father, we definitely saw another side of Russian Kristina, who’s KGB ties are definitely more dangerous than Corinne’s. I think after a few drinks her Ruskie really started coming out because she began to sound like a classic James Bond villain. Her Black Widow persona paid off though in the form of a group date rose.
Raven had the final one-on-one, and the southern bell was ready to get spoiled. That’s right, she was treated to an elementary school soccer game and a trip to the equivalent of a family fun center. Afterward, they had dinner in an art museum which, weirdly, was void of art. We got a glimpse into Raven’s darker side, when she recounted the tail of how she wrecked her ex-boyfriend for cheating on her, and holy shit, Raven is terrifying. I get hitting a boyfriend who has cheated on you, but she kicked in a door! If no one has done that, it is a lot more difficult than it looks. Then, according to her, she not only threw the girl on the ground but, her boyfriend as well. I’m slightly convinced there is more to that story and their bodies are buried on Razorback territory.
Back at the house, things started heating up between Taylor and Corinne. Now look, I am no Corinne fan, but I don’t know how Taylor suddenly jumped up on her high horse. Corinne gets a lot of flack for being too young to date a 36 year old, well guess who else is also 23…coughTaylorcough. Taylor’s main point was that Corinne wasn’t emotionally intelligent and then spouted off something she probably read in a text book during her graduate program. Corinne fired back proving Taylor’s point. This heated debate went back and forth until, low and behold, we got another “to be continued.” Fuck you, ABC. Fuck.You.
I legitimately felt bad for Brittany. She came on the show, was given the task of being Nick’s “eve,” by going topless for a photo shoot, and was promptly sent home. Typically getting naked on this show buys you at least a trip out of California, albeit in this case, Milwaukee.
I love that Corinne said, “Michael Jordan took naps,” in order to justify her sleeping. Yes, Michael Jordan took naps. He also dropped 38 on the Jazz with a 101 degree fever. I think the comparison between Corinne and MJ needs to stop at sleeping patterns.
Did anyone catch that apparently rose ceremonies last 20 minutes? Imagine standing for 20 minutes while someone reads a list of 15 names.
Alexis once again stole the credits scene, and I wish she got more air time. She’s a bonafide weirdo, but in the best way possible. And I very much appreciate her fear of both aliens and ghosts. I can only hope she gets a one-on-one soon.