See ya later 2016, ya smug son of a bitch. We get to kick 2017 off right, with a new season of The Bachelor: Where the girls are made up, and personality doesn’t matter. After failing 3 times on the show, ABC saw fit to give Nick Viall a fourth shot, because as the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four times, and we’ll get better ratings.” So without further ado, let’s break open that $8 bottle of wine and get to recapping the premiere.
Welcome to the show Nick V! This time you’re in charge. If Chris Soule’s can convince a woman to come with him in “Wait, I Have to Live Here, Iowa,” then you should be able to cry your way into a woman’s heart. Once again, we start the show with scenes of the bachelor shirtless and working out. Annnnd then we get the quintessential shower scene. I would love to be a fly on the wall during an ABC conceptual meeting, where an intern suggests something other than working out and showering, and seeing an exec start yelling, “WE HAVE A FORMULA, JERRY! USE IT!”
Nick then spends some time with his family, and says something along the lines of his family being excited for him to be the next Bachelor. Really? Your family is excited to go through this again? I feel like they must have asked the producers a question like “So a girl has to pick him right?” and ABC responded, “Well…no they don’t ‘have to’ but these girls are so desperate that there’s pretty much no way he ends up alone…unless you look at our track record of having like 2 out of 21 people ending up together…” In any case, Nick’s family is “stoked” to see him on the show, just like I’m stoked to go through a Midwestern winter.
I also love that ABC juxtaposed Nick next to Sean, Ben and Chris — arguably three of the most likable Bachelors. It was like a little insurance policy where ABC was letting everyone know, “Look we know this guy has been a douche in the past, but remember these three guys? They were okay right?”
A few of girls were introduced next. We met Rachel, Danielle L, and Vanessa, who is already a fan favorite. I am calling my shot right now, Vanessa is going to be one of those people who is too smart for her own good. Look, if you want to show off by speaking French, then fine, but don’t make a habit of using the most pretentious language on the face of the earth. Also, how are you 100% Italian if you’re literally from Canada? Qui pensez vous etre, Vanessa?
Then we met Raven, and I can’t express how excited I am for a born inbred — whoops, I mean and bred Arkansas Razorback to be on the show. I don’t think Nick knows what he’s in for when Raven’s true WooOO Pig Sooie colors come out. Razorback nation isn’t a fandom, it’s a Gawd dayum lahfstyle. For God’s sakes, this is their football coach.
Corinne was next on the docket, and I’m pretty sure she’s in the mafia. She can say she “contributes” to her family business all she wants, but after seeing her dad, I’m pretty sure he’s an expert in business shake downs. Also Corrine had the gem of a soundbite, demanding that her maid bring “her snack with cucumber…” How adorable.
Alexis seemed normal enough at first, until we really saw how deep and misguided her affection of dolphins went. The nice thing about dressing up in a shark costume (that you vehemently argue is a dolphin, regardless of it having gills), is that no one can really tell how drunk you are. I don’t know what Nick should be more concerned about, the fact that she loves dolphins yet can’t tell the difference between a dolphin and shark, or the fact that it was even an argument among the rest of the girls.
As all of Nick’s ladies arrived, we started to see the cracks of what happens to every bachelor on the show: Mr. Hornball. Mr. Hornball is a condition I refer to that is caused by being constantly surrounded by 30 girls who are all obsessing over you. The symptoms are a bizarre, sexual awakening that causes you to say things like, “That dress, my God, that dress, I should have sex with the person who made you wear that dress.” If you really want to get a rose the first night, then yeah, I’d probably do exactly what mobster Corinne did, and tongue-F the shit out of the bachelor’s face hole.
Liz probably offered up the most drama for the night, having “known” Nick previously, AKA they had sex. This “power play” move was incredibly confusing. Follow this logic –> Liz has sex with Nick –> Liz doesn’t give Nick her phone number –> Liz shows up on The Bachelor with the thought that Nick wouldn’t remember her –> Liz is surprised when Nick does remember her. So Liz thought the sex was so non-momentous that Nick wouldn’t have the faintest idea who she was. And even if Nick didn’t remember her, how was she planning on breaking that news? “Surprise! We did it once!” I can only imagine that while other girls are sharing sob stories about a former bf who cheated on them, or their friend getting hit with a shovel, or some variation of the two, Liz is over here like, “I have something that I need to tell you…we’ve actually had sex.” Even if Nick didn’t respond negatively, can you imagine meeting his family? “Funny story Bella, your brother was actually a bedmate of mine, and I just figured he wouldn’t remember me, so nine months later, I broke the news to him that, much to his surprise, we were previous sex pals! How cute is that!?”
- Speaking of Nick’s little sister, Bella should just follow him around, as she seems to generally be his voice of reason: “Be yourself, Nick. Just without the douchey parts.”
- How cringe-worthy is it to have three former Bachelors, all sitting around trying to stay relevant by jamming on liners down your throat. They may as well have just held up a sign saying, “please put me on TV again.”
- Taylor has quite the mouth on her, and by far had the best line of the night, by declaring that “my heart is in my ass,” I have no idea what that means, but it sounds thrilling.
- Kristina is a total mystery to me, her hometown is Lexington, Kentucky, and while there are many counties in Kentucky that offer mysterious accents, I don’t think her Spanish/Eastern European hybrid is one of them.
- Hey hey hey, ABC had to be popping champagne bottles as Rachel got the first impressions rose. For a show that is often criticized for being too white, too misogynistic, and again for good measure, too white, what a marginal step forward.