The show picks up right where we left off. The girls, having spent an average of 20 minutes per capita with Nick, naturally are already “falling in love.” I put that in quotations, because quite honestly if they’re falling in love, then they have some severe emotional issues that need to be worked out in some therapy and shock treatment. Corinne — oh sweet, sweet Corinne — is about to be my shining example in the department of stupid, slutty, and arrogant all rolled into a cucumber snacking, mobster’s daughter. I’m guessing her father doesn’t let her make any of the big decisions in the family business, as she has displayed a lack of intelligence that makes the Iraq War look well-planned.
The first group date card arrived and suggested the date would revolve around a bridesmaid, which Corinne, as if on cue, stated, “I’ve never been a bridesmaid…” Noooo? I would never have pegged her for having no friends. Now go get Corinne her cucumber snack, Raquel! She’s been waiting 7 minutes!The girls all took off in what was a horrible product placement, that I can only guess was for Chrysler Sebring? Because what other car do you want to be riding in when your dreams go to die?
After the girls arrived we were quickly introduced to the best person The Bachelor has ever put on television: The photographer. I have no idea what this guy’s name is, but his brief stint on television was entirely too short. For a split second I thought that maybe this was a character from the mind of Sacha Baron Cohen, but then I realized that he was actually a real-life human. Basically, he should be required to be in every television show in some capacity for the rest of my natural life.The girls dressed up like different brides, which included Brittany (who?) dressing up like Eve from the garden of Eden, and upstaging Corinne. And you know the only recourse Corinne has when she’s a topless woman is to get “more” topless.
Look, Corinne taking her top off and making Nick play with her funbags was not the classiest of moves, but it worked. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 69 times: The Bachelor is not a place to find love, it is a place where America has deemed it socially acceptable for a man to get physical with 30 girls at one time. Literally think of any other place where today’s society people would not lambaste this guy for being a jackass and the women for putting up with it. If you want to find love, go to a Whole Foods in the Midwest on a Saturday morning, if you want to get some ass, sign up for The Bachelor.
In any case, Corinne got hers, and continued to get hers until she was she was so drunk, that she made Joe Namath look like an airline pilot. Corinne also coined a new Bachelor phrase: “Re-interrupted.” As in, “That skank just re-interrupted me! Can you believe what a skanky McSkank pants she is!” I guess I’d like to know what Corinne thought would happen if she continued to “steal Nick.”
Danielle M got the one-on-one date where Nick took her on a helicopter ride around California, and then topped it off by landing on a hot-tub yacht, and we wonder why these girls get delusions of grandeur. I don’t particularly want to touch on Danielle M too much, as she seems like a sweet girl, who, unlike most on the show, actually had a major tragedy occur in her life. I will say that I thought it was somewhat amusing that she thought Nick’s past mirrored hers enough to open up about it. Personally, I think Nick coming in second on a dating game show and then consequently becoming the centerpiece of said show, is a little less tragic than having a fiance overdose.Finally let’s talk about the dead horse that was being beaten with another dead horse, tied around the neck of a horse about to die: Liz had sex with Nick. Holy plot line, Batman. I don’t get who edited this. Every commercial break seemed to resume with some iteration of Liz saying, “So I had sex with Nick.” One time would have been perfectly fine, but having 75% of an episode revolving around an interaction that happened 9 months ago was draining. Liz did offer one of the most cringe-worthy moments on the show: when she brought up the whole event in front of the other girls during a fictional breakup. 1. We touched on this last week, but I don’t think Liz really thinks things through. What did she think was going to happen when she turned a light-hearted event into some weird scene from a Shonda Rhimes drama? “Nick is really going to appreciate the way I tactfully approached this awkward situation.” And 2. How daft do the rest of the girls have to be to think, “Wow, Liz really added some context to her fictional breakup”? Obviously Liz went home, because c’mon, what else would’ve happened? This led to Nick telling all the girls that he and Liz “had sex” previously before the show. Not “hooked up,” Nick refused to use any sort of euphemism and just went straight for the throat punch.
This left us with one of my least favorite things The Bachelor has been doing in recent years: the dreaded “To be continued…” Honestly, just end the show with the rose ceremony. The “to be continued” episodes feel like some contrived way to squeeze more out of an episode than is really necessary. But alas, we have to wait until next week. My bold prediction: everything works itself out and the show doesn’t end 8 weeks earlier than scheduled.
- Unless Raven meant Bret Bielema’s stomach(I will use this image whenever I talk about Raven), I don’t know what she meant by saying she left “a lot” at home to come on the show for Nick. We all know she comes from a town of 6.
- Corinne somehow related that being Nick’s “number one,” is apparently is better than “going number 2.” And I totally agree. Most things in life are better than the thought of her taking a shit.
- Speaking of Corinne, how about the drunken speech she gave at the end of the date? It was like if Braveheart had a drunk, uninspiring cousin.
- I suppose being a 23 year old counselor doesn’t provide you with the ability to converse naturally, does it Taylor? I can’t believe I picked you.
- Does Christen look like Vanessa Bayer’s Miley Cyrus impression to anyone else?
- Alexis is making a push for favorite girl on the show. Albeit she’s a little crazy, she routinely is the funniest girl on the show, and the “boobsday” credits scene, solidified her place.