The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 7 recap

Nick cry

Source: ABC

The “awkward silence” opening to The Bachelor could not be more fitting. In fact, I feel awkward every time this show ends on a “to be continued.”

We last left Nick as he was “deciding” whether or not he could go on with the show. Spoiler alert: he does. Nick has a long “casual conversation” with “island” Chris Harrison. Chris was apparently just “strolling along the beach,” in his casual rolled up pants, holding — not wearing — his sunglasses. Thank God he picked that point in time for a beach stroll, because Nick really needed some counsel. What a tough decision it must be to walk away from vacation after vacation, while dating 5 girls at once. Also, he’s pretty much guaranteed to do 3 of them (if he so chooses). So yeah, I wonder what he’ll choose.

Bachelor Chris Harrison

“Just two casual guys having a conversation on a kayak.” Source: ABC

Surprise! Through his copious amounts of tears, Nick chooses to stay, and he and his ladies are headed to Bimini. That’s right, following the path of Hurricane Matthew, the group is moving from The Caribbean to The Bahamas. Trading the white sandy beaches of St. Thomas, for the slightly less white sandy beaches of Bimini. Honestly, instead of saying “we’re headed to Bimini!” they could’ve just said, “we’re moving you guys three blocks down the road!!” and it would’ve been the same thing.

Once in Bimini, Vanessa got the first group date rose and Corinne was NONE TO HAPPY! She started to say that Vanessa doesn’t have much depth, and that she’s just a family oriented Italian girl, who teaches STUPID special education. C’mon Vanessa! Where’s your depth? Like seriously, she doesn’t even have a freaking nanny!

Nick

Source: ABC

Nick took Vanessa on a yacht to go snorkeling near a rusted shipwreck, wrought with graffiti. Hopefully they’re both up to date on their tetanus shots, as I’m sure Bimini has some organ harvesters employed at their hospitals. Before Nick and Vanessa got to their rusty adventure, Nick went on a weird diatribe that sounded like an episode of Friends. Nick said something along the lines, “I just don’t know. I know that you know that I know that I’m doing okay, but I don’t know if you know that I know, you know I know. Ya know?” Vanessa just nodded her head, seemingly hoping that he wouldn’t start crying again.

Raven bachelor

Source: ABC

The group date featured Corinne, Raven and Kristina. Nick took them swimming with sharks, and Corinne was not happy with the attention Kristina was getting. There was nothing crazy that happened with this date, other than Kristina freaking out and getting out of the water. I would have totally been in Kristina’s boat (pun intended!). If you want to swim with sharks, do it with an American crew that has a vested interest in your safety. Not in Bimini where the crew hears, “can you take them swimming with sharks?” and goes, “Safely? Probably not. But we have a boat.” In any case, dark-horse Raven got the rose, while Nick cried again.

Danielle was next on the group date rose, and it did not go well. After having little-to-no conversation, and then going to dinner, Danielle said that she was finally ready to find love after the death of her husband. To which Nick replied, “NOT WITH ME!” and sent Danielle home. Not only did the date end right there, but Danielle had to go home and pack up all her shit while the other girls sat there. I get the whole, “I need to say goodbye tonight in order to be fair to Danielle.” But if I were in her shoes, I would rather just get through the date, and not be given a rose during the ceremony. It’s a little less humiliating than professing your love, consequently being rejected, having to go home and pack your things, while the girls watch you like a zoo animal.

Post-Danielle, Corinne decided to try to sex Nick up with her “platinum vagin.” This lead to a little game of “Two-Hand Massage, No Jiggle,” which I can only assume involves a pair of dice, and a backgammon board. Nick shut Corinne’s advances down, to which she was mortified and rightfully so.

Rachel Bachelorette

Source: ABC

The final one-on-one was with Rachel, who is the new Bachelorette, and boy do I have thoughts on this: For starters, who the f in the American Broadcasting Company thought it would be a good idea to announce Rachel before she was voted off the show? It was like Kristin Wiig’s “Surprise” character from SNL, but instead of a surprise party, it’s “Ohhh myyy godddd….WE HAVE A BLACK BACHELORETTE!!!!” While it is truly wonderful that The Bachelor finally decided to play in the diversity sandbox, let’s not forget it took them 21 seasons to do so — with the only other “diverse” bachelor, being a misogynistic Venezuelan, who just wanted some crazy Claire booty. Additionally, by announcing Rachel before she’s voted off, they’ve inadvertently created a space where current audience members won’t care about her, because they know that she doesn’t win. So there is no longer anyone “rooting for her,” during the duration of this season. There’s just something that seems so inherently wrong with the way ABC went about doing this, like they couldn’t wait to be able to say, “we’re not racist anymore!” — That is my long winded way of saying the one-on-one went well enough to give Rachel a spot on The Bachelorette.

Finally, Nick decided to send Kristina home, and that sucked. Kristina was definitely becoming a fan favorite, and it’s a bummer to see her go. Nick again started by saying he had to let her go because he respected her too much. There’s always an interesting thing during a breakup conversation: it starts with the person doing the breakup saying something like “I respect you too much,” and some sort of beat around the bush way of saying “I feel love toward you.” This gives Nick — in this situation –the moral high ground. Then Kristina fires back with, “you didn’t give this a chance,” and another comment that is sort of an ad hominem attack. The person doing the breakup then has a reaction that looks like this, and suddenly that “respect” and “loving feelings” are replaced with “get the hell out.” Kristina left, Nick cried again. and we’re headed to hometowns.

 

Quick Slants

It seems like anytime any woman tells Nick that she’s falling for him, his face immediately does this, and he sends her home.

I loved that Kristina and Corinne got literally all the air time on the group date and it was Raven, who didn’t complain nor say a word about the two, who went home with the rose.

100% can’t wait to meet Corinne’s father next week. I firmly expect him to be wearing a tight gold chain, and say the words, “man-to-man,” at least three times.

This was told to me during the show, but apparently Vanessa has an IMDB page? Corinne was either really right, and Vanessa doesn’t even work in special education, or Corinne was super wrong, as Vanessa’s depth as an actress knows no bounds! Either way, kind of weird.

 

 

 

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The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 6 recap

st-thomasIt must be dinner time, because we are getting to the meat and potatoes of the show. With Nick playing real life Fruit Ninja and slashing girls left and right, last nights episode proved what happens in St. Thomas…can, in fact, get you sent home. Let the games begin!

We last left off on a “to be continued.” Taylor was left in the swamps of Louisiana getting an oil and sage bath from a woman probably named Barb, who was going through a low period in selling real estate. Taylor crashed Nick and Corinne’s date and…wait for it…nothing happened, because of course nothing happened. This was ABC manufacturing drama and it rendered that “to be continued,” utterly worthless.

At the rose ceremony Nick said goodbye to Josephine, Jaimi and worst of all, Alexis.

Post rose ceremony the girls were told that they were headed to the island of St. Thomas. Home of white sandy beaches, clear blue water, and hurricane Matthew. That’s right, the gorgeous island getaway that all the girls look forward to seemed to be absolutely ravaged by Hurricane Matthew. This is just payback for Chris Soules trek across Midde-America (looking at you De Moines!) Upon arriving, the girls headed straight to the resort, sponsored by Marriott, and went outside to see Nick flying around in a prop plane (see the picture).

heyyyNick’s first one on one date was with Kristina, sponsored by Marriott. She quickly solidified herself as a fan favorite. Kristina’s story could be something out of Leo Tolstoy novel — I think he wrote Russian tragedies based on his extensive wikipedia page — and it’s generally heartbreaking. Even girls with a legitimate tragic story will forever be dwarfed in comparison by Kristina. “Oh, your grandmother who raised you died from a long-term illness? Well Kristina over there was kicked out of the house at the age of five for eating lipstick as her only form of sustenance, and had to pick between her foster family and a life of possible prostitution, or move 5,000 miles away to a place where she didn’t speak the language or know anyone. But yeah, you’re right, you’ve had it rough.” She obviously got the rose and a bunch of fans along the way.

shotsThe group date was next, which was one of the most bizarre dates I can remember. For starters, the date revolved around just hanging out on the beach. I don’t know if maybe ABC has gotten a little lazy, but there was no absolutely no structure involved in this date. The girls just had general beach time fun with an open bar. Maybe the girls were upset that they were in St. Thomas and it looked like a it was about to get hit by Katrina’s ugly stepsister, or maybe the copious amounts of alcohol caused some emotion, but never have I seen people get so worked up over sand volleyball. At the end of the game, every single girl was alone on the beach and crying, it felt like an alternate ending to Saving Private Ryan.

chokeAfter the worlds worst sand volleyball game, the girls and Nick were all hanging out and Jasmine decided to go insane. If you ever want an example of someone caught in quicksand, look no further than “Jas.” Jasmine tried everything under the sun (or hurricane in this instance) short of telling Nick she loved him. She even introduced a new desperation method: “The Chokey.” That’s right, Jasmine tried to choke Nick not once, but three separate times. Nick was about as receptive as a grizzly bear getting a rectal examination and promptly sent her home.

The next day Nick took Danielle L and Whitney on a two-on-one date, because we can’t have just one of those. My issue with two-on-ones is they no longer feel like regular dates. The Bachelor used to two-on-ones be an actual date, where the girls compete or do literally anything actionable. However, ABC has gotten so enthralled with the idea of “leaving” the girl who doesn’t get the rose, that these dates have turned into, “which remote place can we take these girls?” Whitney and D-Lo (her nickname, apparently), were helicoptered to a remote island, sponsored by Marriott, where they sat on separate parts of the island and did jack shit. Whitney went home, to which she said, “I did not see this coming.” Really, Whitney? Because I feel like everyone tuning in “saw this coming.” What I did not see coming was Danielle L being sent home. Through his tears, Nick sent Danny (another apparent nickname) home right after she told him that she was falling in love with him.

Nick then decided to go straight to the rest of the girls and have a nice meltdown in front of them. I’m not entirely sure what Nicks point was other then he was really stoked to have “island fun,” and clearly it wasn’t happening. We know he’s not leaving the show, because there’s no way ABC is letting an emotional 36-year-old affect their bottom line. As with all the other “to be continued” endings, I have a feeling that this will be resolved quickly next Monday.

Quick Slants

  • Lorna the maid was obviously a move put on by ABC. Corinne, however was wildly pleased and either caused Raquel mass panic, as she might be in jeopardy of loosing her job or caused her to leap with joy at the thought of not waiting on this teeny-bopper anymore.
  • I can’t remember a time when there was a fan-favorite like Alexis with so little screen time. She got airtime the first episode in her dolphin costume and then only had credits scenes from there on out, and she was hilarious.
  • I cannot wait to see what happens with Corinne and her “platinum vagine” next week. It will be glorious.

 

The Bachelor Season 21: Episode 5 recap

confused

Source: ABC

Who knew that Milwaukee, Wisconsin would offer more plot lines than Louisiana? Not this guy. It seemed like The French Quarter, Voodoo, and Bourbon Street should have offered more than a few stale dates and yet another “to be continued…”

We last left off with Taylor and Corinne getting into a fight that was basically Taylor telling Corinne, “You’re stupid.” To which Corinne responded, “Wait…What?” Followed by Taylor saying, “Um, I have a master’s degree, and you’re definitely stupid.” Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

The rose ceremony saw Sarah (noooooo!!) and Astrid hit the old dusty trail, as Nick instead gave roses to a 23-year old and a 24-year old, respectfully. Now, I might not be the most conventional person, but I have a hankering that if I were 36 and single, and I was dating the 23 & 24-year-old market, my mother might have a serious conversation with me, and I’m pretty sure my friends would really hammer the point home with a lot of “really’s??” and “That’s pretty creepy, dude,” and probably one of them would be like, “Hey man, good for you!” (you know who you are…) My point is that with a 10+ age difference there’s a point where it gets a little weird. In essence, Nick should have picked Sarah, damnit!

After the ceremony the girls packed their bags for the bayou, in ol’ Louisiana, where the humidity can hit 90%, and teeth are optional. After the girls got settled in, Chris Harrison appeared seemingly from nowhere, wearing his traditional clothes that say, “I’mmmmmm Breezy!” Chris let the girls know that the dreaded two-on-one date would be taking place this week. I wonder who it could be??

bachmo

Notice the couple in the back…shame!! Source: ABC

Rachel got the one-on-one date, and started her campaign for the next Bachelorette. Rachel and Nick went on what I call a “Good Will Hunting” date. This date consists of going to a market and trying on silly hats and disguises because real conversation is too difficult. Nick and Rachel then decided the French Market would be the ideal place have a quick make out session, because privacy is overrated. The date got so boring, that there is little else to say. They followed a parade, saw a Kelly Clarkson wannabe, and then had dinner. Rachel got the rose, because she’s normal and not insane, and then they went home. Date, over.

Back at the Marriott, the girls found out Taylor and Corinne would be the two girls on the two-on-one date, because, shocker, they’re the worst. I would think that the show is getting into dangerous territory with the two-on-one dates, because for the past 3-4 seasons there is at least one lady or lad included on the date who is a miserable person. We had Chris Soules leave both women in the desert. Kaitlyn had JJ, who, if you don’t remember, was a super douche who was only shown up by Jojo’s “Chad.” Finally, Ben had to deal with wide-mouthed, resident crazy girl, Olivia. So basically, the two-on-one means that at least one of the girls/guys is a red flag, if not both. And in Nick’s case it’s both.

boo

Clearly the creepiest part of the date. Source: ABC

Before we get to the two on one, the group date took place in a “haunted house.” I say “haunted house,” because when I first saw it, I immediately thought of the Skeleton Key, which would have been an interesting place to stay the night. I think staying in a house where two children were murdered would have provided a little more fodder for a haunted house than a girl dying from a glorified flu. But alas, we can’t have everything. So instead, Nick took the girls to a “haunted house,” complete with a bar, and a caretaker named Boo, who you just know is on a sex offender list for something involving a movie theater and beet juice.

voodoo

“I used to sell swamp side homes, now I Voodoo.” Source: ABC

Finally, we get to the two-on-one, which saw the girls get on an airboat, and head down to the bayou! Once they were deep in gator land, Nick and girls stumbled upon a voodoo community. It was definitely a traditional voodoo community, as the leader was a 40-year old white woman, who definitely wasn’t going through a midlife crisis. Following a Tarot Card reading and a good old fashion log talk, Nick picked Corinne. This date made me so mad I don’t know where to start. Instead of quick slants this week, I am just going to list all the reasons why this date, with all the potential of being drama filled and hilarious, instead ended with a fizzle and a plop.

This date sucked

  • Obviously more attention should have been paid to the freaking air boat driver! God! At least interview him one time!
  • Taylor and Corinne spent virtually no time together. Why not have them at least stay together for the card readings?
  • The whole thing felt wildly staged, and took me (the audience) totally out of it.
  • How in ABC’s infinite wisdom did they not come up with something like a spelling bee or anything that actually would have provided some kindling for the two girls to unleash their fury? This is the network that took Emily “my husband was a race car driver but he died” Maynard to a Nascar track for a date, so don’t act like “cold” and “calculated” isn’t in their wheelhouse.

Guhh. Here’s to next week, where hopefully Taylor — post sage and oil bath — will start the show out with a bang.