It must be dinner time, because we are getting to the meat and potatoes of the show. With Nick playing real life Fruit Ninja and slashing girls left and right, last nights episode proved what happens in St. Thomas…can, in fact, get you sent home. Let the games begin!
We last left off on a “to be continued.” Taylor was left in the swamps of Louisiana getting an oil and sage bath from a woman probably named Barb, who was going through a low period in selling real estate. Taylor crashed Nick and Corinne’s date and…wait for it…nothing happened, because of course nothing happened. This was ABC manufacturing drama and it rendered that “to be continued,” utterly worthless.
At the rose ceremony Nick said goodbye to Josephine, Jaimi and worst of all, Alexis.
Post rose ceremony the girls were told that they were headed to the island of St. Thomas. Home of white sandy beaches, clear blue water, and hurricane Matthew. That’s right, the gorgeous island getaway that all the girls look forward to seemed to be absolutely ravaged by Hurricane Matthew. This is just payback for Chris Soules trek across Midde-America (looking at you De Moines!) Upon arriving, the girls headed straight to the resort, sponsored by Marriott, and went outside to see Nick flying around in a prop plane (see the picture).
Nick’s first one on one date was with Kristina, sponsored by Marriott. She quickly solidified herself as a fan favorite. Kristina’s story could be something out of Leo Tolstoy novel — I think he wrote Russian tragedies based on his extensive wikipedia page — and it’s generally heartbreaking. Even girls with a legitimate tragic story will forever be dwarfed in comparison by Kristina. “Oh, your grandmother who raised you died from a long-term illness? Well Kristina over there was kicked out of the house at the age of five for eating lipstick as her only form of sustenance, and had to pick between her foster family and a life of possible prostitution, or move 5,000 miles away to a place where she didn’t speak the language or know anyone. But yeah, you’re right, you’ve had it rough.” She obviously got the rose and a bunch of fans along the way.
The group date was next, which was one of the most bizarre dates I can remember. For starters, the date revolved around just hanging out on the beach. I don’t know if maybe ABC has gotten a little lazy, but there was no absolutely no structure involved in this date. The girls just had general beach time fun with an open bar. Maybe the girls were upset that they were in St. Thomas and it looked like a it was about to get hit by Katrina’s ugly stepsister, or maybe the copious amounts of alcohol caused some emotion, but never have I seen people get so worked up over sand volleyball. At the end of the game, every single girl was alone on the beach and crying, it felt like an alternate ending to Saving Private Ryan.
After the worlds worst sand volleyball game, the girls and Nick were all hanging out and Jasmine decided to go insane. If you ever want an example of someone caught in quicksand, look no further than “Jas.” Jasmine tried everything under the sun (or hurricane in this instance) short of telling Nick she loved him. She even introduced a new desperation method: “The Chokey.” That’s right, Jasmine tried to choke Nick not once, but three separate times. Nick was about as receptive as a grizzly bear getting a rectal examination and promptly sent her home.
The next day Nick took Danielle L and Whitney on a two-on-one date, because we can’t have just one of those. My issue with two-on-ones is they no longer feel like regular dates. The Bachelor used to two-on-ones be an actual date, where the girls compete or do literally anything actionable. However, ABC has gotten so enthralled with the idea of “leaving” the girl who doesn’t get the rose, that these dates have turned into, “which remote place can we take these girls?” Whitney and D-Lo (her nickname, apparently), were helicoptered to a remote island, sponsored by Marriott, where they sat on separate parts of the island and did jack shit. Whitney went home, to which she said, “I did not see this coming.” Really, Whitney? Because I feel like everyone tuning in “saw this coming.” What I did not see coming was Danielle L being sent home. Through his tears, Nick sent Danny (another apparent nickname) home right after she told him that she was falling in love with him.
Nick then decided to go straight to the rest of the girls and have a nice meltdown in front of them. I’m not entirely sure what Nicks point was other then he was really stoked to have “island fun,” and clearly it wasn’t happening. We know he’s not leaving the show, because there’s no way ABC is letting an emotional 36-year-old affect their bottom line. As with all the other “to be continued” endings, I have a feeling that this will be resolved quickly next Monday.
- Lorna the maid was obviously a move put on by ABC. Corinne, however was wildly pleased and either caused Raquel mass panic, as she might be in jeopardy of loosing her job or caused her to leap with joy at the thought of not waiting on this teeny-bopper anymore.
- I can’t remember a time when there was a fan-favorite like Alexis with so little screen time. She got airtime the first episode in her dolphin costume and then only had credits scenes from there on out, and she was hilarious.
- I cannot wait to see what happens with Corinne and her “platinum vagine” next week. It will be glorious.