And we’re back! Episode three of this glorious show starts right where episode two left off…kind of. Remember how Liz left and there was still some of the group date left? Well apparently ABC didn’t, because Christen getting the group date rose was glossed over. In any case, we jump right into Nick addressing ALL the girls about sending Liz home, because…stop me if you’ve heard this…they had sex. At this point it feels like Nick is bragging about he and Liz “dunking the dingus.” It’s like he thinks all of these girls read Andi’s book and have preconceived notions that he can’t get laid, all the while he’s saying, “See ladies! That book didn’t completely ruin my reputation! I can do that myself with Corinne!”
The girls took this new information like a sexual atom bomb, and totally freaked out. I don’t understand how it’s shocking for the girls to hear that Nick has banged one out before, especially considering most of them literally watched him do it on two consecutive seasons of The Bachelorette.
In any case, during the cocktail party Corinne took a different approach toward Nick’s sexual history: The One Upper. If Nick has had “intercourse” — as Corinne put it — before, then damnit she was gonna give him something better. Reddi-whip. Low and behold, Nick fell for this sexual sham, and went to town on that whipped cream. The other girls, seeing this, were obviously not happy, thinking, “This guy has had previous sexual encounters AND he likes whipped cream? Somebody call the sex police!”
After Nick realized that maybe the other girls were none-to-happy about Corinne’s whipped-dairy antics, he promptly pivoted and talked to Jasmine. This caused Corinne, who was totally sober, to overreact. Without any context, you would’ve thought that she told him her deepest secret (maybe about a certain nanny) and he didn’t take it well. I don’t know what could have improved the situational outcome in her eyes. I can only imagine that Corinne wanted to “intercourse” Nick right there and end the show a few weeks early.
After the rose ceremony, where three forgettable girls went home, we finally got to the first group date, which involved The Backstreet Boys. At first I thought that Joelle and Ben Higgins must have done wonders for the show in terms of upping the budget, as we haven’t had a date end with a no-named band trying to be passed off as blossoming pop-stars yet (emphasis on “yet,” because I know it’s going to happen). But then I quickly realized that this is not the 1990’s Backstreet Boys. This is the 2017 version of the boy band. You know, where they’re in their 40’s and have a declining libido, but still singing about “rocking bodies.”
Low and behold we have another story-line involving Corinne, as she apparently is a poor dancer due to her “bad short term memory.” It bodes well for her family’s multi-million dollar business — that she apparently helps operate — that she has such a bad memory that she can’t remember simple choreography. Sometimes I wonder how this show will ever be able to one-up itself and consistently find girls who are so narcissistic and dimwitted. Well done ABC, you have a formula, and it works.
Danielle L won the one-on-one dance to “I Want it That Way” which is either a great song to slow dance to, or possibly the worst. As much as I love that song, I could not begin to tell you what it’s about, as it was written by a Swedish lyricist who barely spoke English.Who knew?
Once again, Corinne was the focal point of the post date cocktail party. She finally divulged that Raquel is, in fact, her nanny. Not only does Raquel shelter Corinne from all the horrible things in life, like slicing up her cucumber snacks, laundry, and getting the right proportions of lemon to butter, but she apparently enjoys doing it! That’s right, Corinne, who apparently manages her own “multi-million dollar business,” doesn’t understand that Raquel is paid on an hourly basis. She literally thinks that Raquel fell out of the sky (or immigrated from Mexico) and enjoys waiting on her hand and foot. Once again, well done ABC for finding the specimen that is Corinne.
Vanessa was up next for her one-on-one date on a plane that simulates weightlessness. Nothing says romance, like two people who have no control over their bodies bouncing around a plane. Oh, and vomit. Let’s not forget that poor Vanessa either began dry-heaving and/or vomiting during the ride. Way to go ABC for adding the same vomit sound effect twice. I totally wouldn’t have understood what was going on had it not been for that post-production additive.
The next group date was a track and field competition. Nothing of note happened, except for Dominique getting a ton of air time. Really though, did anyone know who “Dom” was? Because I sure didn’t. It seemed like manufactured drama, after someone realized that track and field was a shitty date.
Following the group date, the girls were treated to a POOL PARTY! Alexis said it best – there are a lot of hornballs in this group, and where there are hornballs, there is bound to be some sexual conflict. Low and behold, Corinne is the culprit of sexual drama. I don’t know how she did it — maybe Raquel had a hand in it — but Corinne somehow got a bouncy castle to the house. Apparently Vanessa did not like what was occurring in the elementary school plaything, because the claws came out. She decided to approach Nick about his Corinne boner. It would appear Vanessa has trouble seeing the rest of us, as she rode in on the highest horse available in order to berate Nick. I’ve always held the belief that in a game where there are 20 other “replacements,” you probably should not be the one who gets mad at the person who can make you leave any time they want. Maybe this ploy works out for Vanessa, but we.shall.see. Why? Because low and behold ABC loves “to be continued.”
I really enjoyed Nick talking to Russian Kristina about Liz. He said something along the lines of “her(Liz) answers didn’t really make a lot of sense to me,” and the look on Kristina’s face seemed to indicate that she was thinking, “If Liz can’t make sense, I wonder if he can even understand me??”
I’ve said this year after year, but I swear Chris Harrison doesn’t know how to wear casual clothing. He looks so uncomfortably stiff anytime he has to wear jeans and tennis shoes. Almost like he’s getting his wardrobe, and has to ask the question, “And you’re sure this is what the young go-hards are wearing?”
Alexis continues to be the most down-to-earth girl. Who would have thought that the girl dressed as a shark, would be the most level-headed, funny contestant.
Vanessa saying that she appreciated Nick staying by her side during her vomit episode seemed to indicate she thought he could go somewhere else?